Occupation: Adulting.

Is this a safe space?

I am adulting and it's not funny.

I have always wanted to be an adult, more like I hated being a child. Before you judge me, let me give some context.

I am the 5th child of six children and what that really means is that I have siblings that are way older than I am. The freedom I saw them explore became the object of my desire. I really just wanted to skip the growing part and become an adult.

It also didn't help that I didn't fancy the things that were normally f

or kids. I didn't like toys, I didn't like cartoons either.

Maybe it's also because I never really had those, I had enough oldies to play with, there wasn't much need for a toy and cartoons never made sense to me but I could also blame that on my siblings solely owning rights to the tv remote.

But I was more intrigued by the “mature things”, I was always putting my ear to the wall to listen to conversations, the problems they had felt interesting to me, and I even helped solve some of them. I already knew so much but I still felt very restricted. I constantly wondered what it would feel like to grow up and no longer be afraid.

The courage, the liberty, the resources they had was everything I envied. Their lives looked so full and mine dulled in comparison.

I had always loved responsibility, to be responsible for myself and the people around me was a prospect that always excited me. I knew I liked responsibility when my teacher would call on me to mark the class register, I knew I liked it when I picked up the broom and my mother smiled at me.

I can't remember when but I know I decided early to not be a child and to grow up. I know because I stopped watching cartoons. I made friends with my sister's friend, I was really in her space. I would put on her clothes to play dress up, use her wigs and makeup. I wanted it all — the adulthood life.

There goes my context.

I clocked 19 a month ago, so technically I have been an adult for more than a year and it’s been draining.

Making important decisions about my life because nobody is is going to do it for me. Navigating friendships and romantic relationships, learning finance, networking, building a personal brand, constantly planning academic comebacks, surviving the economy. It is unending.

All these were never a child's problem. Sighs! why did I... is this what... is this where.... arghhh.

*screams in internal frustration.

What have I even been rushing too? It sure didn't look like this.

They say, experience is the best teacher. I think they are right.

I have started taking long trips without my Dad calling me multiple times. I now have a savings account on piggyvest, and I used to me so "this money has to be spent, what do you even mean by saving for the rainy day". Update is I have started and it doesn't feel good to admit that it has been saving me. I have also started checking my mails, as in daily. I missed a free scholarship copywriting course once and that lesson has been sufficient.

I also now have the responsibility of calling relatives to check up on them, simply because it's good to have family around. Just in case. I don't like hypocrisy but here I am. Anybody rarely buys me things, they just give me the money... and I don't know my way with money.

Other highlights.

• You are becoming a woman: my sister is constantly pitching this statement in our calls. asking if I have any relationship prospects and encouraging me to smile more. Really??

• Is this how you'd be doing in your husband's house: My father has asked me this 3 times already. Yes! I'm counting it. Why do I have to learn so much for just that one purpose?

Ladies, we must begin to ask questions.

• Investment Investment Investment: I like the concept but everybody is doing too much, rubbing it in. I'm just a girl.

There's also grades, advice to start a business, and diversify your portfolio, first class, good job. It seems closer than it did a year ago and the year before that.

Even the advantages that I couldn't wait to have are not as great as it once felt. I just want to be 3 again and in KG 2, packing snacks and food to school. Making a mess of everywhere and having all the attention.

But really, I don't want to be a child again, because I'm still me, I still like the responsibility, the independence and the liberty that adulting affords me.

I just want to grow up better, with better conditions, in an ideal world.

What all of this has really taught me is how much of a privilege it is to have God. He is the best thing that can happen to anyone.

Obviously, Growing up can feel like such a balance between excitement and pressure. We spend so much time looking forward to being older when naive, and then when we get there, we realize just how much we miss the simpleness of being a kiddo lol. It's like, back then, everything felt new and fun, but now we’re responsible for everything.

Learning to live in the moment is key, try to hold on to that and don't be too hard on yourself. For how you were as a kid, you did the best with what you knew then.

Just focus on enjoying where you are now. Life's good! God's got you!!

Love,

Victoria. 🤍