Nostalgia.

Change, as I've known it.

I knew I hated change, every time the seasons shifted from harmattan to rain, that smell, that harshness, that sudden feeling when something unexpected immediately lands on you without warning.

It's like travelling from Kaduna through Jos to arrive at Ondo by 2pm, you will hate Nigerian weather and maybe even start to fear change.

But this post is not about Nigeria, it's not about the weather too. It's about the unexpected change that occurs in your life, with the people you thought will always remain in your life.

I mean the kind of change you feel when your best friend starts ghosting you. Or when person you love stops loving you.

But even that does not compare to the kind that happens with family.

I mean family as a unit — the people you share blood with. The ones who have always been there whether you liked them or not; good, bad, annoying, but present. And they loved you, in fact you had a right to their love.

When people say there's love at home, they are not insinuating they have a perfect family. It means that while you may not have a right to ask anyone else to love you, you can expect that from your family. In fact, I'll say, you can demand for it.

I tell you that's the change that gives you the bone breaking ache. The loss of a parent or a sibling leaves a vacuum in your heart that will always be void. Because no one can be your mother like mummy, and no one can quite annoy you like your younger sister.

But it's not only about loss. It's in the loneliness that creeps in when your siblings resume University and you are left at home with your parents. Then you eventually get into uni to realise that somehow you are all at different universities, on different paths living separate lives.

With tight schedules that make meeting up hard, even for Christmas. But that's not the part of change that breaks you, because you still get to call them and talk with them, video call, reels, family chat etc. The heartbreak comes when you realise the permanency of it, that your lives are moving and it may never intersect like it used to.

No more similar holidays, or similar schools, it's also when you realise that change is usually irreversible and whatever it is now, is what you have to work with.

Now you no longer have the luxury of acting spoilt with your family, because every two-week break you get from school matters, every phone call is an opportunity to express that you truly love them.

All this time away and you are all growing to be people of your own. Different than you used to know. Your sister is not just the one you used to fight for the remote with, she is the assertive girl that is chasing her career in law. Your brother is not just the big bully but he has a family of his own, he is somebody's Daddy, not from childhood play, but real life.

Change is scary but there's no other way to exist. People will change, even if they don't want to, simply because time will pass and things happen with time.

They say, “If you love someone or something, you will make time for them”.

The relationship you freely had becomes something you must now fight to keep. I don't think it's easy but I think it's possible .

This is me, as an adult, figuring how to keep the bond with my family and I don't think I'm alone in this. So here's what I'll be trying:

✓ Call Regularly: I actually learnt this from church, create a call schedule. Maybe Sundays and Thursdays. Make your calls intentional, talk about your day, your feelings, your wins and struggles not perfunctory check-ins

✓ Send little gifts. It doesn't to be big but make make it about them. Something they like or enjoy. Something that says, “I thought of you”.

✓ Make Christmas family time. Encourage everyone to make it home for Christmas. Uss the time to reconnect and learn more about each other.

✓ Be involved in each other's project. This one is golden. You will always have something to talk about, if you are involved in something they care about.

✓ Share something in common again. Watch similar shows to discuss together and get inside jokes. Create a group chat. Send reels.

✓ Plan an outing. It could be fancy or simple. But the purpose is to spend time together and make memories, take pictures and documents the moments.

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I have no idea how this will go, if it is sustainable but like with everything else, this is me trying.

If you are like me, what have you been doing and what has worked?

Adulting is hard. With time not slowing and people changing, all we can really do is try. Try to hold on, to love deeply, and to keep showing up.

Love,

Victoria 🤍